Laughingstock
by KoontzReaderz
Summary: A collection of short, but generally funny, stories.
1. The Animagus and the Taxi

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter.

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Harry Potter was a man. Eighteen and he had finally become an animagus, just like his late father. Unfortunately, it was a fluffy little bunny, but, hey, at least he had a form, unlike Ronald Weasley

"Thanks Bob, I'll see you tomorrow. It's her birthday, you know?", joked Harry as he left his old office. He stepped outside and took a deep breath. He looked around and transformed into a little black rabbit with a pink scar on its head.

He began hopping down the street. Suddenly though-

A huge yellow taxi crushed Harry in mid-hop. The person inside shrugged and said, "Oops, I killed another damn rabbit." And then Albus Dumbledore drives on, not knowing that he had **_crushed_** the light's only chance of defeating Voldemort.

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_**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I do not despise bunnies.**_


	2. The Lesson

_**

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Someday soon, perhaps while you're reading fanfiction, you'll notice how hard it is to find truly original stories out there. If in fact you are looking for a truly original story, take characters from different stories and force them together. Stir, screw up their free will and ta daa! A nice yummy meal of originality!**_

Or, if you're completely lazy, you could just do something dumb, idiotic, or use a Mary-Stu or Gary-Sue.

I on the other hand shall do niether. I'll use a G'mary-Stew. Watch, as I dazzle you with my mad skills!

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Harry stood up and ate his G'mary-Stew. "Thank you, Uncle Petunia, might I have some more?"

"Ungrateful _whelp_, and here, _whelp_ means nasty child.", replied his Aunt Petunia, who was peeved that Harry insisted on calling her 'uncle'.

"I know what _whelp_ means.", replied Harry crossly. He left the table and began to sing.

"_Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya' tomorrow!_"

"Oi, Potter, cut the singing!", sneered his fat cousin. The word _'fat'_ generally means to be overweight, recent though, fat means something entirely different..

"Fine, oh, Dudley, up for a round of Harry-Hunting?", asked Harry.

"No, it took me a long time to get to my current weight, I'm trying to get in Ripley's, you know that!", replied his cousin, Dudley. The word _'replied'_, here, means answered.

"Okay then, good luck on your noble mission!", replied Harry. Let it be noted, that although Harry _'replied'_, he didn't _'answer'_, which would lead one to assume that he was a demon, but that is simply not the case. He's the devil.

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And so, in conclusion, it appears that you just spent what, about a minute reading a bunch of junk. Aren't you proud. Now go read some good stories. 


	3. Hogwart's Confessions

_**DISLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. Or Snape. I do own ten lollipops, nine Snickers, eight pencils, seven Dragon Balls, six Horcruxes (don't ask), five golden rings! Four large houses, three pretty flowers, two monkeys, and a Ring of Power… the one ring to rule them ALL!

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**_

Harry sat down next to Ron and Hermione. His face was covered in blood, and yet he was grinning like a madman. It really was quite eerie. Hermione looked at him in shock and whispered, "Harry, _why_ are you covered in blood?"

"Blood? Don't matter.", he replied dreamily. He gazed at the head table, looking at the object of his affection. He was looking at the sneering man up at the head table.

"Harry… are you… are you looking at Snape?", asked a shocked Hermione. When Harry nodded she gasped. "Did he…?" Once again Harry nodded. "I don't believe it!" She stood and began to shout at Harry in front of everyone. "I can't believe you're in love with Snape!"

"_Professor Snape_!", interjected Dumbledore from the head table.

"But-!", started Harry.

Hermione interrupted, "Look at him! He has _disgusting _hair, a long nose, _yellow_ skin, _uneven_ teeth, he _reeks_ of dragon dung," at that Severus Snape sniffed his robes and grimaced, "he hates your father, he helped kill Sirius, and, he gave you T's!"

By the end of her rant Hermione was breathing heavily. Harry shook his head slowly, smiling. "Hermione… I don't _love_ Snape. He swung at me, so I knocked him upside the _head_! I thought you were asking whether or not he had punched me!"

"But… but… you were _staring_ at him….", accused Hermione, starting to blush.

"Yeah, 'cuz I was remembering!", replied Harry happily.

And then everyone laughed. Except for Snape, who was glaring at Dumbledore who had already placed the memory of what had happened into a flask. Snape, who was glowing red with embarrassment spluttered angrily, "Well, girl, at least I don't like a certain Weasley- _the one with long hair, remember_?", and with that Hermione 'Eeeped' and Ron chopped Ginny's hair off and magicked it onto his own head.

"_RON_!", screamed Ginny, embarrassed from Snape, and now angry with Ron. Dean Thomas, who was sitting next to her got up and strode away. "Dean! I'm _not_ gay! I like boys! I swear! _Urgh_! I need a _cigarette_!", she stood up and strode away, glaring at Hermione who looked crushed.

"_We're _gay!", cried out Crabbe and Goyle at the same time, they then began to kiss.

Draco Malfoy looked around and yelled, "I'm half Veela! _I'm_ the Half-Blood Prince! Mwahahahahaha!", he then disrobed and ran around naked. Everyone threw up.

"I'm _insane_!", yelled Dumbledore as he figured it was confession time.

"_I'm_ in heat!", mumbled McGonagall. Dumbledore quirked his eyebrow at her.

"_Oh_…?", he said slowly, an insane glint in his eye.

"I'm dating a _student_!", cried out Sprout. She jumped over the table and sat on Neville Longbottom's lap.

"Er… I like food?", admitted Ron.

"And _I_ am Lord Voldemort!", screeched Luna Lovegood from her spot at the Ravenclaw table. Everyone looked at her, and saw that she was transforming into the pale creature known as Lord Voldemort.

Ron looked at her thoughtfully. "I _knew_ she was Loony!"

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The author looks at this…. Thing and wonders what he was thinking. Ah well, he thinks, it doesn't make sense, but hey, neither does Snape being a hottie in fan fiction. After all… _anything_ is possible!

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_**Ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off… ring goes on… ring goes off…. FIN?**_


	4. Phoenix Man

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, and, due to the small fact of copyright infringement I'm gonna get sued unless I post this silly disclaimer. I mean come on. Do I look like a woman named J.K. Rowling? Nope. So is it really necessary to post disclaimers? No, but I do it anyway. Just in case. Better safe then sorry. Or is it better sorry than safe? Ah well, anyway, on with the short story!

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He pulled on his red and gold mask. He put his red cape on and looked outside. He saw the Death Eaters. Using his elemental powers he disappeared in a flash of flames. He appeared behind the Death Eaters. "Halt your criminal activities!", he said in a deep voice.

"Oh no, it's a weird-o in a costume!", replied one of the Death Eaters sarcastically. He drew his wand and aimed the Killing Curse towards him. The man just stood there. The green curse swept over him. Oddly enough, there was no body lying on the ground.

"What the…?", wondered another Death Eater. Suddenly, a red feather floated down from the sky. They looked up, and then- _WHAM_!

"_Phoenix Man, to the rescue_!", shouted the masked hero. Suddenly, he heard several loud _CRACK's_ so he quickly vanished in flames.

"Would you look at that?", said Harry Potter. He was looking at the sorry state of the Death Eaters. "Oi! Dumbledore, check this out!", Harry was chuckling now.

"Indeed Harry, Indeed.", muttered Dumbledore. He looked intently at the knocked out Death Eaters. "Look at this… a Phoenix feather… wait a tic, it says Phoenix Man."

"Phoenix Man?", Harry asked curiously.

"Yes. I suppose that with the Order of the Phoenix going public, some people decided to fight evil on their own.", mumbled Dumbledore who was deep in thought.

"Yes, I suppose you're right.", replied Harry thoughtfully.

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Over the next few months, Death Eater's were being captured left and right. No one knew who was doing it until one night-

"I am _Phoenix Man_!", called out Phoenix Man triumphantly.

"I know you are.", replied a sultry voice. It was Ginevra Potter, Harry Potter's wife.

"Wha…? Er, I mean, I gotta go!", replied Phoenix Man. It was too late though. Ginny had grabbed Phoenix Man's face and kissed him. "Oh… Ginny-kins….", moaned Phoenix Man.

"Aha!", cried Ginny, "I knew it was you!". She pulls off Phoenix Man's mask. It was _Harry Potter_!

"Ginny, _please_ don't tell anyone!", whispered Harry urgently.

"I won't", Ginny began coyly, she rubbed his chest. "But you're gonna have to do something for me.", she whispered something in his ear.

"No problem!", replied Harry happily. He then floo-traveled home with her.

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The Next Day-

"I am Phoenix Man!", cried out Harry.

"And I am _Phoenix Woman_!", cried out Ginny.

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Suddenly, the reader looks at the story in surprise. He then turns to the author. "Excuse me, this story is _supposed_ to be funny! Not stupid!"

"Well, what did you expect?", I asked the reader.

"_Comedy_!", replied the reader, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Silly reader, comedy is _tragedy plus time_.", I reply.

"Okay, but there is no _tragedy_.", the reader points out.

"Uh-huh, they are wearing dumb outfits. It's a tragedy.", I reply solemnly.

"Er… you're an idiot. I'm going to read RossWrock, or maybe SilverLocke, at least they can write!", the reader leaves.

"Right… that's a good idea! I'm gonna go read Luna the Moonmonster's stories, or maybe the Red Dragons Order. Heck, I'm gonna go read Thor Nairda!", I reply. I then leave the story.


	5. Meet Willy

_**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, for which I am very ungrateful for. The freakin' squirt left me and went to work for J.K. Rowling. It is for this reason I torture him in various ways. Today's torture? Read on….

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**_

Harry, Hermione, and Ron were walking to the Great Hall for dinner. Suddenly though, Harry saw Draco Malfoy walking towards them. He sniggered and gestured for Ron and Hermione to continue on without him. Confused, the two left, they didn't really mind though, now they could have some... _alone time_.

"Harry? Where is the capital of Idiocy", called the sneering ferret whose name rhymes with Baltoy, but that's another story. Draco Malfoy, the boy-who-lived-to-annoy-the-Boy-Who-Lived, was Harry's third sworn enemy, the first being Voldemort, second being Severus Snape, strode up to Harry with his usual annoying smirk.

"I believe its at your house," Harry replied triumphantly.

"Oh? I think not, I believe its at your house. After all, you live with muggle filth," sniffed Malfoy.

"Need a tissue?", wondered Harry aloud.

"A what?", asked Malfoy.

"Speaking of tissues, did you complete your Potion essay?", asked Harry kindly.

This of course knocked Draco off his high horse. He looked at Harry oddly and nodded, pulling it out, "Of course."

"Can I see it?", asked Harry politely.

"No," sneered Draco. "I'm not stupid, I know you only want to copy from it."

"Oh? You think I'd really do that," asked Harry sorrowfully.

The usually sick and twisted Draco was caught off guard again. "Wha…?"

"Listen, Draco, I need to tell you something," Harry's urgent voice caused Draco to put his ear closer, ready to listen. Suddenly, in a quick movement, Harry stuck his index finger in his mouth and then shoved it into Draco's ear, "_WET WILLY_!" Harry then quickly dashed away leaving Malfoy alone to curse and scream death threats at him.


End file.
